Crying, Worried, and Stressed

My energy level is #4 high

My stress level is high at #4

My sleep quality is low at #2

My self-esteem level is moderate at #3

My stress level is high and my sleep quality is low because I am really worried about my father.  My father is 84yo and I felt guilty that I didn’t call him or my mother all last week (before that it was a month that I didn’t call them).  So I feel really crappy about that.  Well last week my father had to go to the hospital every single day for tests and biopsies.

Last October, an x-ray showed a spot on my father’s lung and then they put a catheter on him because his prostate is big and he couldn’t urinate normally anymore.  So last week they did biopsies on his prostate, bladder, kidney, and pancreas.  Another MRI was done and the spot on his lung got bigger.  My father refused to get a biopsy on his lung.  The doctors wanted to keep him a couple of days in the hospital but he refused.  Dad says that if he is gonna die that he wants to die at home with his wife of 40 years and not surrounded by ‘shitheads’ (his words).

So since Saturday I have been feeling really depressed by this whole situation.  I have been debating on going back home and leaving my own family here for an unknown period of time.  (My parents live in Texas and I live way on the other side of the world in the United Arab Emirates).  I have agonized over going since October.  I have little ones who are still in school and really have no one to watch them, take care of them, and cook for them.  My husband is always busy with work and he could probably take off work for a couple of weeks or maybe a month.  We have a live-in housemaid that we do not trust and DH is trying to get another housemaid who has worked with his family before and who is older, is very trustworthy, and knows how to cook.

Anyway, back to my father.  A very close family friend of ours (for almost 30 years) has been going to some doctor visits with my father for a while now (I did not know this) and the family friend was able to go to all of my father’s tests this past week.  PB (the family friend) has been talking to the doctors and writing everything for my 74 yo mother (so she can understand what is going on).  What we know for sure right now is that my father does indeed have cancer (in the lungs for sure) and will have some more tests this coming week.  The results for last week’s test will not be ready until this Thursday.

PB is a Godsend (MashaAllah).  I talked to him this morning and he said that my father is his regular old self, eating, not in pain, and ornery as ever…so that is good news.  But PB said that he will explain to dad what his options are in regards to treating the cancer but felt that undergoing any treatment (since he is 84yo) would hurt him more than help him.

PB told me that I don’t have to worry about coming home right now.  We will all just wait and see what the results this Thursday state and what the upcoming tests say too.

I will definitely plan on going back home this summer.   It gives me four months to lose at least 40 pounds InshaAllah (God Willing) so I can fit comfortably into an airplane seat.  I am so embarrassed to write that out.  But seriously, I was so worried about flying out now because I just knew that the plane trip would be so uncomfortable (especially if it was a long haul flight of 14 hours!).  I suffer on a 2 hour plane trip.

So I have a 4 month goal of 40 pounds gone to look forward to and a (comfortable) trip back home.  InshaAllah.

I know that death comes to everyone.  I cried and was worried and stressed because I was wanting so much to be with my father before he passes away or completely loses his memory.  I want to be able to give my father and mother dawah about Islam, InshaAllah.

My husband is so good at comforting me, MashaAllah.  He always has a hadith or an ayah from the Quran that makes me feel better and become patient.  May Allah bless him.

I pray that Allah will have mercy on my mother and father and guide them to Islam.  Ameen.  I pray that they will die as Muslims.  Ameen.

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One Response to Crying, Worried, and Stressed

  1. Umm Aaminah says:

    A’salaamu alaikum sis. I just recently lost my father (last September). Although we had been somewhat estranged (no arguments, etc just he lived his life and I lived mine) I was of course saddened by his passing. Aren’t all southern women really Daddys’ girls at heart?

    About the airplane seat, oh sis I feel you. I was mortified just THINKING I would have to ask for an extender. Alhamdulillah I was able to fit it with about an inch left. lol As you may know from my weight loss blog, I am alhamdulillah doing good this time. I’ve lost 4.6 as of today, yay me! I know you can do it too sis if you put yourself to the task, insha’Allah.

    May Allah give you strength and sabr dear sis….

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